For years, a couple in their 40s -- an attorney married to aplant manager -- talked of selling their cramped city townhouse tobuy a much roomier suburban place with more elbow room for theirkids, ages 8 and 10. But after an agonizing six-month search, theystill couldn't agree on what to buy.
"Every time the wife found a house she liked, the husband threwup an objection and vice versa," recalls Ashley Richardson, theveteran real estate agent who worked with the couple.
Unfortunately, the tale didn't end well. The couple never reachedagreement. Instead, they filed for divorce, sold the townhouse andbought separate properties.
Richardson doesn't attribute the couple's breakup to theirfailure to agree on a home. She surmises their marriage had deeperproblems. But she allows that disputes over real estate canneedlessly tarnish a marriage.
"No human relationship is worth ruining over a structure, whichis what a house really is," she says.
To avoid the kind of arguments that housing choices can engender,real estate specialists recommend that couples go out of their wayto understand each other's preferences.
"Step back, catch your breath and listen to the other person'sthoughts and feelings. Repeat what you heard to be sure yourimpression is accurate," says Ronald Phipps, a real estate brokerand president of the National Association of Realtors(www.realtor.org).
Here are a few pointers for couples trying to reach agreement onthe right home:
-- Make cost your first point of decision. Many a couple launchesan elaborate property search before setting their spending limits.But Richardson urges would-be homebuyers to start by talking to areputable mortgage lender.
"Price has got to come first because it dictates how much of yourwish list is doable," says Richardson, who has sold homes since1993.
Of course, many national lenders seek to sell their services viathe Internet. "But chances are," Richardson says, "you'll get betterservice -- and more solid information -- from a local lender ratherthan someone on the Internet you can only contact by phone oremail."
It is easier for couples to reach consensus if they obtainmortgage preapproval because, as Richardson says, those who knowtheir spending limits are more realistic, which makes compromiseeasier.
-- Choose your neighborhood as your next step.
"You can save a lot of time by identifying your favoriteneighborhood early and then finding a real estate agent who trulyspecializes in that community," Richardson says.
She recommends that couples discuss the neighborhood featuresmost important to them. They need to decide, for example, whetherit's more important to live close to work or in an area with lots ofpristine open space.
Although many homebuyers spend ample time comparing neighborhoodsthrough Internet searches, Richardson recommends they also spendsome weekend hours driving through neighborhoods of interest,stopping by open houses.
-- Decide what features you're willing to trade off.
Many couples in their 30s and 40s with young children are anxiousto move up from a small starter home to a place with more bedroomsand bathrooms. They typically find it easy to agree on their spaceneeds.
But beyond these basics, couples argue about the next mostimportant property features. For example, is it more important tobuy a place with a large lot or one with a two-car garage?
Because few couples can afford a home with every feature theywant, Richardson encourages the partners to give each other a listof priorities. That way both husband and wife will probably get moreof what they want.
-- Consider a home that needs some updating.
Gone are the days when most homebuyers are willing to take outthe largest mortgage they could obtain. At a time when jobs arescarce and many face salary cuts, an increasing number of couplesfear maxing out on a home loan.
Susan Graves, a broker affiliated with the Council of ResidentialSpecialists (www.crs.com), recommends that couples who can't afforda place with all the features they both want look for one that couldbe updated to meet their top priorities.
To determine if the improvement you want would fit in yourbudget, she suggests that homebuyers call in a contractor for anestimate on cost. For example, they could obtain a bid to installgranite countertops in a dated-looking kitchen.
"So buying a well-priced home that needs only a limited amount ofwork to ensure that both husband and wife are happy could be areasonable plan," Graves says.
Ellen James Martin is a syndicated columnist. Contact her atellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.
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